Life in Death

We just attended a funeral today. It was for a man in our church. I did not know him well, but what I have seen and known of him and his family made me want to go. He was in his 90's. He'd lived a life of exemplary faith in Christ and had passed quite a legacy to not only his immediate family, but to our church family as well. I've been struggling lately...just with life I guess. I tell Matt that it is just my seasonal depression kicking in.(Ha! Ha!) I really do not like winter at all, but I'm just making excuses for my frustration. Anyway, I was saddened at this funeral and yet encouraged. Isn't that the neat thing about the death of a true believer. Even in their death, God uses them. Probably for many things. For me it reminded me of what life is really about, which I know in my head all the time, but have a hard time living sometimes. I can be so ungrateful. I seem to struggle with just being satisfied in Christ. I'm so discontent. I guess that's been the big thing lately. I've wanted a child for so long and now I have this wonderful little girl and I'm struggling. I sometimes long for the days when Matt and I were alone. I miss him so much. I also feel like a failure most days. I struggle to find time to get all the things done that need to get done. When I do get them done I feel like I failed Jade because I probably didn't play with her enough or maybe I was less patient with her. Did she go to bed knowing that her mama loves her or is she sad and lonely. I've resolved after today to change some things that I need to, and yet I'm afraid that that is no different than other days that I've read my Bible and said this day will be different. I think some of this rambling is because it was an emotional day and it is very late. But I do wish I could live my life with the kind of faith and trust in God that this man did. It's easy for someone to do something spectacular at the end of their life that people remember, but I want to live the kind of life that this man did. But that is harder because it was every single day choosing to set aside self and instead make every choice to bring glory to God. I feel exhausted just thinking about it! I know whom I have believed, but am I persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that Day?